Castletroy Words

  I went home yesterday, a place where the wind says my name and laughs. And deep inside, there is still some joy. But there is no one there. I went to remember the anniversary of one of many gone, but there was no one there to greet me. I was so terribly alone. I am alone. I am so alone, and no one can hear me, no one can reach me. Everyone I loved, everyone I trusted, is gone. I am so alone— just a memory of company, of love, of laughter, of closeness. An empty world now, where all I know of closeness is hurt. It is hard to go on. But somewhere inside me I find the strength. And I go on.

A while back I wrote two about different people who were like sisters. This is the one on my mind at the moment. So I'm reposting it.  You were like a sister to me. I will miss you. You had energy and life in you, always bouncing like Tigger, bringing movement into every room. But you didn't trust me. You lied to me. And so I'm stepping away. I had a sister once. She was very like you. We were close—so close that when she would sit by the railway tracks, thinking of ending her life, she would come back and tell me. Not our parents. They lived in a world of their own, and when a man hurt her, they could not give her the support she needed. So she sat on the shore and watched the sea. She walked the railway line. She carried storms inside herself. And when she came back, she told me. That's why I know that sisters carry wounds. I know they carry secrets. I know they can love fiercely, even when they are hurting. Perhaps that's why I cared for you as I did. And now I...

  Miles of nothing, no one, just the grey low cloud and the sea beating on the cliffs below.  I walk and walk, alone, the small world around me a circle in the cloud, with no one but me. I walk the grey, stony path carefully, the wind buffeting me towards the cliff edge. A truly empty world.  It feels as if I will walk forever, in a dream, and the grey silence and solitude will never end.  There is none but me. To be like this is paradise, but against human nature. The clouds lift a little.  The edge of the loch is there,  a few curious sheep who have nothing to fear from this dreamscape,  and a few curious ponies, their muzzles pointed towards me, before they skip and skitter away. And then the collie barks at the farmhouse. The mist is lifting. The dream is ending.

  On Arthur's Quay the candles glow just as they did two years ago I stand and think of you as the leaves in whirlwind blow Keep those who didn't fail you and the rest, it's time to let go. 

True Light She was a fishing Hooker out of Cleggan, 'True Light of the Claddagh' Survived the Cleggan Disaster, legend, She fished on bravely until she retired  as a leisure cruiser, and faded away,  True Light,  a racing skiff out of Galway, 'An Truelight', I talk to him of the boats,  she's tied up alongside the harbour wall,  dreaming of the races, we talk of True Light and Cleggan I talk of Roonagh and Louisburgh,  I remember the two boats turning on the water in sync, one after the other,  True Light, Out of Clare Island and Roonagh-Louisburgh,  MV True Light, O'Malley's legacy, the little ferry,  True Light turns on the water,  in perfect sync with Naomh behind as they come alongside and I see you standing there smiling you who are laid to rest here  in this beautiful place with your brothers, who we never forgot, whose pictures remain, My own True Light. My guide and inspiration. Your memory guides me now in this dark place a...

Candles in the dark spell HOPE even though the ones we remember are gone the hope is for us and for our future as we remember them  and we remember them I step forward and say your name my dear guardian, True Light and the grief overwhelms me You are irreplaceable but as we stand here you are close by Good people are like stars in the sky I'd forgotten so much that it's a year since you died Good people show us all we need to know about the world be my guide now, be my Hope.  True Light, two words you and I understand Hope.